Put on your headphones and pop up your collars, it’s Quentin Sherwin-Williams here to give you sheeple the scoop on what’s hot and what isn’t hot in music, because I am better than you.

Rakim
The Seventh Seal

This album made me uncomfortable. It reminded me of the time I was doing E at that shitty club that had those big gold griffins everywhere. I was losing my shit real bad and the bouncer picked me up off the floor and sat me in his car and put on the rap station. It was weird, I woke up and I felt like I totally understood the urban experience. It was horrible.

tUnE-yArDs
BiRd-BrAiNs

I don’t know exactly what this is about, but I don’t like it. If I wanted to go to listen to some art school bitch moaning for three hours, I’d talk to my estranged sister. Fuck that, I would rather listen to this, she’s a total fucktard.

Seriously though, I go to parties and snort coke (the yellow kind, not that shitty white stuff) and take pictures of naked girls in the bathroom. I yell at waiters for no reason. I fuck my Mom’s friends for money. That’s what I do for fun, that’s what normal people do for fun. But this girl? I’m guessing that this girl just sat around her (probably small) apartment recording this thing for months. Is there anything sadder than that?

One Republic
Waking Up

I like these guys because they remind me a lot of myself. Cool hair, cool clothes, tang-magnets, we’re very similar. I was a little nervous reviewing this album because I knew that judging them would be a judgement of myself, in a way.

So I put the album on, closed my eyes, and I immediately started crying. And that wasn’t me being a pussy…I had a religious experience. I declare that Waking Up is THE BEST ALBUM OF 2009! Get out whatever you use to cut lines of the yellow lady and snort that shit up, OneRepublic, you guys have made a masterpiece.

Annie
Don’t Stop

I once knew this girl named Annie. Total dyke.

Adam Lambert
Take One

Gay people were better in the 1950′s, back when they weren’t so in-your-face about it. Yet, I’m really totally fine when this Lambert dude does it. He’s an American Idol guy, which means he’s the best in America, so I listened to this knowing that if I didn’t like it, I would be wrong. Don’t worry, I loved it! And that means a lot from a professional music journalist like myself.

Blowfly, “Another One Learns to Fuck”

Remember Weird Al’s “Another One Rides the Bus”? Well, this song is like that song’s vulgar, sexually-uncalled for stepson.

LOBSTER TRAP SHIPPING

Gumdrop lolly pops
Carryin Guns and shootin cops,
Eatin carrots dipped in gravy,
Lets play kickball with a baby,
Better yet a punching bag y’all,
I knew a guy Devin he sure was tall,
Moping dogs and blender stew
I knew a tall guy his name is Drew,
Brother of Devin and drank gasoline,
The guy who sold him it was really mean,
He was a scientist that made objects life like,
Mean gumdrop lolly pops and killer bikes,
Fried honky frog condom, on a unicycle.
I once knew this short guy his name was Michael.
Not brother of Devin or Drew the man of gasoline.
But half twins of the scientists that made killer bikes, oh so mean!,
Bring an umbrella its raining, be smart,
Oh no I was wrong its raining car parts,
The universe is in a jar I keep at home,
I once knew a guy named Al he was shaped like a dome,
Kangaroo robotic robots making robots,
Kangaroo ghost playing death hop scotch,
Eatin gumdrop lolly pops,
Going around shootin cops.

Birdtastic!

Trenton Willey | MySpace Video