1.

Werewolf shedding

Church picnics are

Fun sometimes

Alphabet Hostage

2.

Synchronized Swimming

in a Vat of Acid

Scream Bubbles

Delayed

3.

VCR’s were Hot items

in the 1980′s

So were Neon

4.

Garbage man

Found Excalibur

in an alley behind

Popeye’s

5.

Basketball games

serve the best

fountain soda

Diabetes Tease

After nearly 250 years of their classic motto: “Liberty and Independence”, Delaware state officials have decided to put it to rest.  They are looking for something with “more zing” and “more relevance to today’s standards and interests”.

I hacked into the state office’s computer system and discovered a list of potential state slogans.

Here they is!

Delaware: Dela-Whoa!

Delaware: Our Public Libraries Carry Spin Magazine

Delaware: The Dave Matthews Band Did a Show in Wilmington Once

Delaware: E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Should Have Been Filmed Here

Delaware: Our Panera Bread Establishments Have Better Beverage Selections

Delaware: We Got Some Pretty Bad Ass Roller Coasters

Delaware: 76% White, But 100% Awesome

Delaware: Homeless People Do Not Bathe In Our River, That’s Gross

Delaware: Brother Of Tupperware (Ha! Ha!)

Delaware: Land Mine Free Since 1986

Delaware: You Can’t Limbo Under Our Low Crime Rate

Delaware: Home of the Fancy Toilet Museum

Delaware: Stop Calling Us ‘Maryland’s Toupee’

Delaware: We Got The Hottest Deals On Microscopes!

BlakRoc, ‘BlakRoc’

This is some sort of rap-rock, but not the good kind. I guess this is
what music is going to sound like now that Obama is in office. I only
voted for him because me and Shepard Fairey are real tight (diabetix
stick 2gether), but now I’m not so crazy about him. Notice how he gets
elected, and then everything gets worse? The price of coke went up! I
tried to buy a fedora and they REJECTED my Dad’s credit card! It was
so humiliating.

Pope Benedict XVI, ‘Music From the Vatican – Alma Mater: Featuring the
Voice of Pope Benedict XVI’

I think I understand what this religion stuff is all about. Sometimes,
I’ll be driving around the “lock your doors” part of town and I’ll see
a homeless wandering around begging for change, and people waiting for
the “bus” and I’ll wonder why they don’t get bored with life? Then I
figured it out: when you don’t have a Dad to give you money for Diesel
cologne, you can pray to Jesis for it! You feel like you have some
sort of rich person always looking after you, even though you don’t.
Also, I’m not sure about this Pope guy, but he’s got a cool name. I
wish I had an “XVI” or something.

Rihanna, ‘Rated R’

Okay, here’s my Rihanna story. My buddy Trev calls me up and says
we’re going to a party at this singer’s house. I brought my wallet
chain just in case it was a rap singer (phew, it wasn’t), and I made
sure that I brought my waterproof camera, because I get so pissed when
I try to take pics in the hottub and they come out all messed up.

Me and Trev got there around midnight. The house was full of hot
chicks and they were all 7.8′s and up. I went into the bathroom to
upchuck some sushi, and the shower’s goin. I hide behind a laundry
basket and wait to see who’s inside. The shower stops, and out comes
CHRIS BROWN. All I wanted to do was flip my shit, but I kept real
quiet and took a shitload of pictures. Unforgettable.

Long story short, he went out with Rihanna, I forgot to upload the
pictures to my Facebook, and I threw out the camera along with my
iPhone and some out-of-season blazers. It’s okay though. I’ll still
always have the thousands upon thousands of mental pictures I took
that in that steamy bathroom, on that hot summer night. No homo.

Susan Boyle ‘I Dreamed a Dream’

Old people smell so bad. I once had to sit at a table with some old
lady (I think it was my Dad’s mom if that makes sense) and she reeked.
Don’t worry, I ended up throwing a drink in her face.