2009
12.29

100 Things of the 2000s

100. ManiCure for Cancer
99. Typing Slow
98. Flying Stoned
97. Paula Poundstone’s Bush
96. Nyquil Cosmopolitans
95. Mythbusters: Special Holocaust Edition
94. Staring at Stairs, Having Stair Contests
93. Missing John Candy Farting at the Dinner Table
92. Hipster Cunt Force: Getting Terry Richardson’s Cum Stains Out of my Vintage Blouse
91. Remote Controlled Remote Controls
90. Watching an Aaron Katz film as Capital Punishment
89. Getting Stalked by a Drunken Michael Chiklis
88. 25-Cent Trash Bag
87. Mo’Nique Takin’ a Dump
86. Bret Michaels Looks Like One of my Mom’s Slutty Friends
85. Another Decade with Dealing with the Fact That My Mom is a Slut!
84. “Dear Dan Deacon, Have You Considered Doing Burlesque?” = My Favorite Joke I Wrote that Got Published in Chunklet #20
83. The Number 3987539458723094857
82. No Female Under 200 lbs. Wears Winkers Jeans
81. At the Drive-In Smell Like Impoverished Mexicans
80. The Pirates of the Carribean: A Beginner’s Guide to Hooking Up Stereo Equipment
79. Late Night Nigerian Phone Scams
78. Embarrassing Myself in front of Shonen Knife
77. No, I Don’t Care for Second Helpings of Peanut Butter Steak
76. Missing Children that Rock!
75. Pass the Clorox, Rebecca!
74. Harold and Kumar Think McDonalds Sucks Too
73. A Cat with a GED
72. Butt Sex
71. Luxury Trailer Parks in Pensacola
70. American Idol: Now Accepting Green Cards!
69. Falling Asleep in an Igloo
68. Old Jewish Ladies with Air Jordans
67. Shitting in One of Judah Friedlander’s Trucker Hats
66. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Sightings at the Local Unemployment Office
65. Giving Birth to Super Glue
64. Aspiring Hipster Filmmakers Digging Up Andrei Tarkovsky’s Corpse and Sucking Its Dick
63. Junior High Students That Are Still Illiterate
62. Wham City Keeping Retarded Person’s Active Wear in Business
61. Fat People That Can Do Acrobatics
60. An iPhone App That Will Shut the Fuck Up For Once
59. Drunk Driving at Ground Zero
58. Tandy Laptops
57. Jacking Off at Wrigley Field During the National Anthem
56. You Can’t Stab a Ghost
55. Milwaukee = The Newark of the Midwest
54. Getting Yelled at in Hebrew
53. Barbershop 2: The IMAX Experience
52. That One Scarlett Johansson Tom Waits Covers Album That I Ended Up Not Buying
51. The Fast and the Furious Proving Once and For All That Asians are Violent Assholes
50. Shooting Heroin With a Yeti
49. Alright, Margaret Cho, We Get It, You’re Not Into Cock
48. Hearing Gunshots
47. Peeing the KISS Logo in the Snow
46. Not Going Surfing
45. Fucking a Girl While Skrewdriver is Playing in the Background
44. Meth Addiction
43. Mount Rushmore Needs a Makeover!
42. Nobody Celebrating the First Black Person to Ever Shop at Urban Outfitters
41. A Newborn Baby’s Asshole is Not a Very Smart Place to Hide your Weed
40. Whores
39. Clocking Out of Work Just to Memorize the Preamble of the Constitution
38. Vomiting on Miranda July (Literally and Metaphorically)
37. Designer Diapers
36. Melting a Grown Man’s Emotions
35. Giving Up on Wii Fit After an Hour
34. Filming Steinjive‘s Climax at Cake Shop While Enduring the Most Painful Hangover Ever
33. Larry Bird’s Jersey Number
32. The I Can Haz Cheezburgr Craze Being the Dumbest Shit Ever
31. Falling in Love with Outdated Appliances
30. Wiping Your Ass with Pages Ripped Out of Vice Hurts
29. Nick Nolte’s Mugshot
28. Fucking a Swiss Chick who Appeared on the Mike’s Apartment Porn Site a Year Later
27. Audible Cocaine
26. Overweight Mexicans Who Wear Bam Bam Bigelow’s Shirt
25. People Who Still Have Telemarketing Jobs
24. Realizing Patti Smith isn’t Really a Man
23. Farting During my First Viewing of Donnie Darko
22. A Testicular Cancer Fundraiser Benefit that Doesn’t Involve Shitty Bands
21. Firefighters Are the Real Heroes. Also, that show Heroes Doesn’t Have any Firefighters in it.
20. Perez Hilton is Like a Dick-Gasping, Fat Malcolm McLaren that Likes Shitty Music
19. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Should Adopt More Scottish Babies
18. Not Recognizing Yourself In the Mirror
17. Negrophobia
16. Celebrating Every HIV Negative Test Result by Spending Hundreds of Dollars at Dave and Buster’s
15. David Beckham Kicking Juno in her Pregnant Stomach
14. Each Member of Aerosmith Looks Lost
13. Using Sriracha as Shampoo
12. Jim Jarmusch at a Walgreens, Picking Up a Bottle of Just For Men, Contemplating a Purchase, then Putting it Back on the Shelf
11. “Chocolate Rain” is Not a Very Good Song at All
10. The Laughter of a Homicide Unit Finding Someone Brutally Murdered While Wearing a Snuggie
9. Hot Mule
8. A Blind Person Saying, “See You Later!”
7. German Coconuts
6. Martin Lawrence’s Wife Forgot to Wash her Pussy, Again
5. People on Mad Men who Chew Tobacco as Opposed to Smoking It
4. Lobsters that Rap
3. Having a Breathtaking Ass
2. Peeing on Sushi
1. Having a Heart Attack at Starbucks, Like, When It’s Totally Busy

2009
12.28

Hi everyone!

I’ve been stricken with a case of bein’ lazy MeasleningiAIDSpoxitis.  Wonder what it is and how you get it?

MeasleningiAIDSpoxitits

A disease that lasts for 2-3 weeks, rendering your funny bone obsolete, thereby draining humor and creativity to its hollow core.  Its symptoms include a permanent frown, not coming up with funny ideas, depression, anxiety, bird-brainedness, getting upset when other people in the same comedic/art field are praised and successful while you yourself are broke, unknown and uncomplimented, orange urine, calling those around you “Turbo“, cold feet, and a gradual breaking down/destruction of the immune system.

MeasleningiAIDSpoxitis is contracted by rubbing a magic liquor bottle with a Scotsman wearing a camoflague-patterned kilt while chanting, “HyuinaahahahahahhhhaaaaaTrampolineCa$hTubesockBrookeShieldsMescalinJoggogogogogogoggg”.

You may read this and say, “Why would any volunteer to rub a liquor bottle and chat hooliganism? Well 1) the liquor bottle was supposed to be “magic”, moron.  I’m not buying a Plasma HDTV with cash, dumbo and 2) A guy put a gun to my head to do it.  I’m Princess Pussy when it comes to being in a life-threatening situation.  Boy, would I have made an embarrassing Holocaust victim!

So yeah, I’m starting to feel a little better, and I have wonderful news! Like the former porn star lady who became Christian and said that “God cured my Herpes!”, God is going to cure my MeasleningiAIDSpoxitis (The Lou Gehrig’s Disease of half-Asian filmmaker/comedians that live in Chicago)!

And I am going to try to update Hyperchuckle on a regular basis!

Starting January, Hyperchuckle WILL BE FULL FORCE. Prepare to have your funnybones raped and impregnated with guffaw-babies!

2009
12.21

Here is the Worst Xmas Song I Have Ever Heard.   Boobs in comedy are not funny, not even in Mel Brooks movies.  Boob jobs are not funny.  Augmenting any external organ is not funny.

Virginia Kegel, “I Want a Boob Job For Christmas”

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2009
12.15

Storytime!  April 2004: I was flat broke and (stupidly) took a job as a marketing rep.  Sounds like a fun title?  Know what it translates? Door to door salesman.

During my first week of training, I was paired up with a more experienced sales rep, and we drove through the South Side, around 79th, past tacky 1970’s decor-bound dentists offices and shady-looking slaughterhouses.  Just kind of kicking it, letting the day go by, he tells me a joke.  Here goes:

One day a lady with large breasts goes to get a breast exam.  The doctor says, “Let me numb your breasts.”  “Numb them?” she inquires.  And then the doctor sticks his head between her naked breasts and goes “Num-num-num”.

Let’s see:

1) Worst punch line ever.  It would have worked had the doctor actually injected them with novocaine and then started swatting at them with a rolled up newspaper shouting “I Hate Breasts!!!” or the woman says, upon the “num-num-num-ing”… “I’m going to sue the shit out of you!”  Or just eliminate the joke entirely.  Breast exams aren’t funny.

2) The guy who told me the joke was Asian, and as we all know, Asians are not funny.

3) Where did he hear that joke?  A Shitty Comedy Underground Conspiracy Group?  I know one has to exist.  This joke is Exhibit A.

Side Note: I’m half Asian myself, so I apologize for being half-funny (or a quarter-funny).  It’s hereditary.


2009
12.15

BBZ2MENWhat Would Have Been the Illest Collaboration in 1993…

2009
12.10

This Exists?!

CHANNING TATUM FAN ART?!

channing-tatum-jenna-dewan-fan-artChanning-Tatum-Jenna-Dewan-Fan-Art-Brad-28 copyChanning-Tatum-Fan-Art-Brad-5Channing-Tatum-Fan-Art-Brad-14 copyChanning-Tatum-Fan-Art-Brad-15-copy

2009
12.09

Like most (or some) of you, I grew up as a young teenager around 1993. What was popular to show kids (who were unfortunate enough to not be able to watch R-rated fare of the time, like Basic Instinct or Point Break – two films among several I’ve watched by age 11) was the Ray Stevens VHS. Concerned (ie. Christian, ie. Brainwash Victims) parents who didn’t want to expose youth to sex/violence – even the words “bitch” or “ass” – threw down ten bucks at a nearby Wal-Mart to get them an alternative to kiddie cartoons they felt they’d outgrown, or PG-13 movies that say “shit” six times.

raystevens01
His Stroke Victim Impersonation

Staying at my Aunt/Uncle’s house in the summers of ’93/’94, my cousin and I watched this not necessarily religiously, but at least once a day.  Sure, it wasn’t my favorite thing of that time (Beavis and Butthead went on the air at the time, and that was a show I could totally relate to) but it’s something that I reflect back on with a slight whisper of wistfulness.

The video started out with “Help Me Make It Through the Night”, which you can watch yourself below. The only thing about Stevens that makes me laugh to this day is: “Order in the Court! I’ll have a Cheeseburger!” Why? I’m a sucker for dumb comedy, and that joke is about as dumb as you can get without being offensive or shitty.

With “It’s Me Again, Margaret”, Stevens pulls off a Peter Sellers and tells a multi-character story about a creepy perv who dirty-calls an obese woman with curlers in her hair. What is up with obese women? Why are they so lame? Why can’t they be funny like Roseanne? Or be in an indie band like Beth Ditto? Why is it always food and naps with these people?

“Mississippi Squirrel Revival” was another one worth noting. Nothing groundbreaking here. Just a squirrel running around through a church, making housewives jump from their seats. Lonely Island this ain’t. Maybe if the squirrel talked. If it spoke Spanish and told everyone that the End of the World was coming, and some old man rips a fart or something, could it be elevated to mild laughs.

“The Streak” is, obviously, the most known video/song of Stevens’ illustrious career. Want to annoy your friends? Get “Don’t Look Ethel!!!” as your ringtone. Or burn a CD with 12 tracks, all “The Streak”, and tell them it’s a rare Pixies live bootleg with Thurston Moore joining them on guitar. Although any use of a wacky whistle is okay in my book. Cat Power needs to use wacky whistles in her music, in my opinion.

Although this wasn’t featured on the VHS (not to my knowledge, at least), “Ahab the Arab” was the first of his race-based novelty tunes, including “Wing Wong the Ching Chong” and “Julius Jiggaboolius”. Christ, there’s a lot of vocal noises in this song. Who is he, Michael Winslow?

Finally, I have to bring up “Everything is Beautiful”, because everyone who watched it remembers, “This isn’t funny, where’s the butt jokes? No basketballs to the crotch in this one? At least have Stevens ride an ostrich wearing rabbit ears?” Side note: the fourth kid they show in the opening seconds? That was me. True Story. They weren’t going to include Asian kids in the video until my family and I catered the set (those Southerners sure do love Chinese food).

2009
12.08

I edited a reel of disaster footage set to happytime music. This footage will be used for future video projects, videos that will soon appear right here on hyperchuckle.com!

2009
12.07

For that cool-kid Pitchfork-blowing hipster in your life, get him the latest installment of the popular 33 1/3 Book Series!

JockJams

Attention poor 20-somethings! Get your mom a bonsai tree so she’ll be enamored (and for once will shut up about you not doing anything successful in your life)

Bonsai Tree 3.preview

Get your friends the hottest ironic X-mas Gift of the Year! “My Own Wino”, a real-life wino who can entertain you and your friends as he tells crazy stories about ‘Nam, tries to ask your TV out on a date, and goes to the bathroom on himself! Requires 3-5 bottles of Night Train and/or Wild Irish Rose daily, and a sleeping bag.

hobo

Get your Dad this – and it should help spice up his marriage. It’ll make him say to himself, “Gosh, I haven’t sexed a girl so young and nubile in 30 years”, or it will make him weep. Don’t worry, you didn’t ruin your parents’ marriage; they ruined it themselves!

USA_BarelyLegal-200904

And finally, fellas, get your lady this:

gloves

Followed by a playful, “Now get to work, woman.”

God, I love the Holidays!

2009
12.07

After years of seeking out the studio version of this godawful song, today, I have attained it! Be warned, it is really bad.

Quicksilver, “Pool Hall Chili”

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