Every year, those lucky people who aren’t estranged get together with family members and set aside differences in political views, favorite sports teams, and their deep-seeded shame of you not making over a thousand dollars a year (at least in MY household! – ed.) and “pig out” (who says that anymore? – ed.) on turkey, cranberries, tacos (some people – ie, me – like getting Taco Bell as opposed to family cooking – ed.) and whatnot. At least if you get judged awkwardly by your family for getting your second DUI, you won’t leave with an empty stomach (regret, maybe, but…)
Oven roasted turkey; carrot casserole (yum! – ed.); mashed swamp potatoes; grilled dog lung; chocolate-covered pickles
Tofurkey (dude’s vegan – whodathunkit? – ed.); Visine-marinated strawberries; fresh-mowed grass salad; a coconut; fried basketball skin
A killed/cleaned turkey one of her redneck fans gave her; ground dolphin stomach; mini grilled cheese sandwiches; roasted flamingo brains; chilled complexion mask; a punch in the face
A turkey he assisted in preparing; boiled locust mandibles; fox snot pie; cole slaw served in the beak of a dead pelican; 2/3 of the alphabet; sad pie
Protein shake! Protein shake! Protein shake!
The Ghost of Slim Pickens
Whatever leftovers you got! Also, applesauce.
She’s allegedly starving herself (don’t want to start no rumors! – ed.)
Turkey stuffed with ground bat; slow-cooked drill bits; Morris Day’s toupee au gratin; baked 2-year subscription to FHM; Pennzoil ice cream
And a special Happy Thanksgiving to Madea!
I was told she is not a real person, just a character portrayed by Taylor Perry! No f’in way?!