Every year, those lucky people who aren’t estranged get together with family members and set aside differences in political views, favorite sports teams, and their deep-seeded shame of you not making over a thousand dollars a year (at least in MY household! – ed.) and “pig out” (who says that anymore? – ed.) on turkey, cranberries, tacos (some people – ie, me – like getting Taco Bell as opposed to family cooking – ed.) and whatnot. At least if you get judged awkwardly by your family for getting your second DUI, you won’t leave with an empty stomach (regret, maybe, but…)

Let’s Feast!!!

Barry Manilow

Oven roasted turkey; carrot casserole (yum! – ed.); mashed swamp potatoes; grilled dog lung; chocolate-covered pickles

Danny Glover

Tofurkey (dude’s vegan – whodathunkit? – ed.); Visine-marinated strawberries; fresh-mowed grass salad; a coconut; fried basketball skin

Paula Deen

A killed/cleaned turkey one of her redneck fans gave her; ground dolphin stomach; mini grilled cheese sandwiches; roasted flamingo brains; chilled complexion mask; a punch in the face

Jack Kevorkian

A turkey he assisted in preparing; boiled locust mandibles; fox snot pie; cole slaw served in the beak of a dead pelican; 2/3 of the alphabet; sad pie

Stephen Hawking

Protein shake! Protein shake! Protein shake!

The Ghost of Slim Pickens

Whatever leftovers you got! Also, applesauce.


She’s allegedly starving herself (don’t want to start no rumors! – ed.)

John Ratzenberger

Turkey stuffed with ground bat; slow-cooked drill bits; Morris Day’s toupee au gratin; baked 2-year subscription to FHM; Pennzoil ice cream

And a special Happy Thanksgiving to Madea!

I was told she is not a real person, just a character portrayed by Taylor Perry! No f’in way?!