2012
01.05

This is Amazing

2012
01.05

I can't wait to stick you in the butt with my pitchfork!

Wow, you must’ve done something real terrible to end up here! Like kidnapping an endangered animal for ransom, or ejaculating in your workplaces’s coffee pot. Well, guess what?  You didn’t get away with it, fucker!

I’m Lou! I’m one of the many currently-employed “torturists” right here in the the underworld.  Don’t let my Broadway smile and my Vaudeville bravado fool you; beneath this veneer lies a remorseless, calculated villain, kind of like a one-man version of those teenagers who listened to Metallica and murdered that child in the woods.

I can’t wait to dress you up as Kim Basinger from 9 1/2 Weeks and pistol-whip you in the face.  Hook a jet engine up to a merry-go-round and have you drink boiling hot Mickey’s malt liquor and put you on it and see you long until you throw up, and then I’ll take that puke of yours and toss it in your eyes! Can you feel the burn?

Or maybe force you to have sex with a dead reptile and put it on a monthly-pay porn site.  Or make you watch a 24-hour marathon of student films.  Or have Pavorotti take a dump in your mouth! The possibilities are limitless!

You are probably asking right now, “Lou, you started out a lowly microscopic entity as myself, yet how do you get to be in such a grand position of torturer?”  Well, asshole, first off, you’re going to have to accept not being such a pussy-ass and endure the pain!  I was just like you, screaming for mercy as a gang of deadly scorpions had nonstep sex with my face; but, like most of you in the overworld, I realized it takes hard work and dedication, and a will to never quit, and having those will take you far.  Even in Hell.

But first, I’m going to carve a transcript of the Diane Keaton-Queen Latifah comedy Mad Money into your back as you swallow a piranha and it gobbles you up from the inside! Kind of like a Nine Inch Nails video, don’t ya think?

See you bozos in Hell!

– Lou