2012
01.10

Rod Cadbury is Hyperchuckle FM's resident advice columnist. He is also an avid fisherman with diabetes.

 

Dear Rod:

I’m having a sort of dilhemma.  My wife and I have been married for 31 years.  We always have our differences.  She doesn’t like the fact that I’m an alcoholic and I don’t like the fact that her taste in interior decor isn’t exactly Versailles Palace.  Anyway, I have a shed out in the backyard where I like to gut fish, deer, rabbits, etc.  So miss Martha Stewart decides to give my workshed a woman’s touch.  She puts silk drapes on the walls where my tools usually are, and a potpourri basket where I usually toss discarded animal guts.  I haven’t struck my wife since the O.J. Simpson verdict (she thinks he didn’t do it) and I came pretty damn close.  I love her so much and I hope to find some sort of compromise.  Can you help?

Sincerely,

Angry Husband.

Dear Angry Husband,

Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate.  I also noticed in your letter that you like to fish.  That’s great! Fishing is a great way to relieve stress, and it’s also a fun way to spend time alone and experience a found sense of serenity with nature.  What kind of bait do you use?  Are you live worm man, or a live cricket man?  Or maybe you use artificial lure? That reminds me, some Vietnam buddies and myself are getting together at the end of the month to go saltwater fishing in the Gulf of Mexico.  I hope to catchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry! I fell into a diabetic coma there.  It happens.  Sometimes I plain forget my insulin.  Anyway, I hope to catch some tuna, possibly some marlin.  I’ve never eaten marlin before.  I wonder if the texture is too rubbery.  Anyway, I would just take all that girly stuff down.  And try to compromise with your wife and don’t let your emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Another diabetic seizure.  Christ. What I was saying was, don’t let your emotions get in the way.  Let her know that there’s a place for the girly decor, and that your workshed is not one of those places.  If she won’t listen, eat fast food in front of her for 1 month as a retaliation to her cooking or something.  I love fast food.  As a diabetic, I can’t necessarily eat fast food, but that’s a secret that my doctor should never find out! Catch those fish!

Dear Rod:

My son is 15 years old and has changed a lot in the last year.  He went from wearing nice clothes that I picked out for him from JC Penney, to wearing these scary looking shirts and jeans that he ripped up himself.  Those Bugle Boy jeans didn’t cost peanuts either! He also likes to listen to this band called Dead Kennedys! It’s all noise.  Is there a way to turn my son back to normal, or will I have to suffer this once beautiful caterpillar turning into an ugly butterfly? Also, he sometimes says strange things and his vernacular is as if he’s on drugs or something. Help!

Sincerely,

Scared Parent

Dear Scared Parent:

Do you and your son a favor.  When he comes home from school, make sure you have the following on his bed, waiting for him: a nice fisherman’s hat; a dependable rod and reel; a beginner’s tacklebox, nothing too fancy, with artificial bait (he may not be interested in live bait); some rubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Sorry, diabetic seizure.  Happens.  Anyways, some nice rubber boots.  You may not want to go overboard and get him a fisherman’s vest just yet.  I hope this plan works.  He’ll hopefully stop listening to that Dead Kennedys nonsense and start appreciating the fun, calm and rewarding aspects of fishing.  And if he doesn’t, well, that’s a loss.  I’m sure the music he listens to is a ticket to hell.  Sorry for being blunt, but you’re going to have to face facts.  But 8 times out of 10, it should work.  And, with luck, he’ll start talking like a normal person again! Hope I could be of help. Time for me to help myself to some sugar-free pudding.

If you have any questions or comments for Rod Cadbury, please send them to [email protected]