2012
01.11

I’m excited beyond all shit that the next episode of Hyperchuckle FM will be up and running by the week’s end!  It’s funnier than at least the first 2 episodes combined! It’s gotten better, I shall say that.

Please check out the previous 3 episodes of my podcast, Hyperchuckle FM!

http://hyperchucklefm.podbean.com/

2012
01.10

Rod Cadbury is Hyperchuckle FM's resident advice columnist. He is also an avid fisherman with diabetes.

 

Dear Rod:

I’m having a sort of dilhemma.  My wife and I have been married for 31 years.  We always have our differences.  She doesn’t like the fact that I’m an alcoholic and I don’t like the fact that her taste in interior decor isn’t exactly Versailles Palace.  Anyway, I have a shed out in the backyard where I like to gut fish, deer, rabbits, etc.  So miss Martha Stewart decides to give my workshed a woman’s touch.  She puts silk drapes on the walls where my tools usually are, and a potpourri basket where I usually toss discarded animal guts.  I haven’t struck my wife since the O.J. Simpson verdict (she thinks he didn’t do it) and I came pretty damn close.  I love her so much and I hope to find some sort of compromise.  Can you help?

Sincerely,

Angry Husband.

Dear Angry Husband,

Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate.  I also noticed in your letter that you like to fish.  That’s great! Fishing is a great way to relieve stress, and it’s also a fun way to spend time alone and experience a found sense of serenity with nature.  What kind of bait do you use?  Are you live worm man, or a live cricket man?  Or maybe you use artificial lure? That reminds me, some Vietnam buddies and myself are getting together at the end of the month to go saltwater fishing in the Gulf of Mexico.  I hope to catchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry! I fell into a diabetic coma there.  It happens.  Sometimes I plain forget my insulin.  Anyway, I hope to catch some tuna, possibly some marlin.  I’ve never eaten marlin before.  I wonder if the texture is too rubbery.  Anyway, I would just take all that girly stuff down.  And try to compromise with your wife and don’t let your emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Another diabetic seizure.  Christ. What I was saying was, don’t let your emotions get in the way.  Let her know that there’s a place for the girly decor, and that your workshed is not one of those places.  If she won’t listen, eat fast food in front of her for 1 month as a retaliation to her cooking or something.  I love fast food.  As a diabetic, I can’t necessarily eat fast food, but that’s a secret that my doctor should never find out! Catch those fish!

Dear Rod:

My son is 15 years old and has changed a lot in the last year.  He went from wearing nice clothes that I picked out for him from JC Penney, to wearing these scary looking shirts and jeans that he ripped up himself.  Those Bugle Boy jeans didn’t cost peanuts either! He also likes to listen to this band called Dead Kennedys! It’s all noise.  Is there a way to turn my son back to normal, or will I have to suffer this once beautiful caterpillar turning into an ugly butterfly? Also, he sometimes says strange things and his vernacular is as if he’s on drugs or something. Help!

Sincerely,

Scared Parent

Dear Scared Parent:

Do you and your son a favor.  When he comes home from school, make sure you have the following on his bed, waiting for him: a nice fisherman’s hat; a dependable rod and reel; a beginner’s tacklebox, nothing too fancy, with artificial bait (he may not be interested in live bait); some rubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Sorry, diabetic seizure.  Happens.  Anyways, some nice rubber boots.  You may not want to go overboard and get him a fisherman’s vest just yet.  I hope this plan works.  He’ll hopefully stop listening to that Dead Kennedys nonsense and start appreciating the fun, calm and rewarding aspects of fishing.  And if he doesn’t, well, that’s a loss.  I’m sure the music he listens to is a ticket to hell.  Sorry for being blunt, but you’re going to have to face facts.  But 8 times out of 10, it should work.  And, with luck, he’ll start talking like a normal person again! Hope I could be of help. Time for me to help myself to some sugar-free pudding.

If you have any questions or comments for Rod Cadbury, please send them to rodnreal@hyperchuckle.com

2012
01.08

This is NOT to be meant as a response to all the BULLSHIT in the wake of the L.A. comedy BS involving the misconcieved fact that Comedian Patton Oswalt is NOT, BASED ON EXISTENTIAL FACT, an “asshole”…

I have never, ever met comedian Patton Oswalt. Ever. There was one time when I used to post videos on the first annual year run of Funnyordie.com, where I had a video titled “You’re A Vagina” in which comedian Oswalt commented on (in an albeit NEGATIVE way) and so I never replied back… outside of that, comedian Oswalt and I have never made contact. Fact.

But other people? Here are the FIVE BIGGEST ASSHOLES I’VE EVER MET…EVER.

5) Anne Beatts

Credentials: National Lampoon, Saturday Night Live, Square Pegs, A Different World

WHAT HAPPENED: One night, The Hideout (a great, conscientious music venue not far from the hip-as-beyond-balls Chicago hipster neighborhood of Wicker Park)… had an interesting night. It was an open mic of the old-school Lampoon contributors, basically. Who was there? Brian McConnachie (SNL Season 4-5 writer; co-starred in ‘Strange Brew’); Anne Beatts (started at National Lampoon; moved on to SNL; went on to do pilot productions for both Square Pegs and A Different World; Chris Miller (co-wrote Animal House)… yeah.

HERE’S WHERE IT GOT UGLY: After the Hideout Lampoon night ended, everyone broke apart in the crowd and headed out the door. Anne Beatts, accompanied by an assistant, stormed her way through the crowd. I was lucky enough to get a handshake in and she just barreled on right past me. No acknowledgement. Nothing. Later that evening, I got to chat with Brian McConnachie and Chris Miller, both of whom were really nice guys. Anne Beatts was floating around, and there was one point where she and I were face to face. She took one look at me and then scoffed, went “Ugh” and walked right past me. Jesus, lady, and I wasn’t even going to ask you about the time that you were with Michael O’Donoghue! Lighten up! Man, that was fucking terrible!

4) Russell Simmins

Credentials: Jon Spencer Blues Explosion drummer; drummer for late 90’s supergroup Butter 08, in addition to other bands; looks like Judah Friedlander minus the trucker hat and glasses.

WHAT HAPPENED: May 8, 2002. My 21st birthday. I’ve always been a JSBX fan since the mid-90’s. “Wail” is awesome; the Mike Mills-directed video of “2 Kindsa Love” was awesome too. I got a ticket to their headlining show that night at Chicago’s famed venue Metro. Liars were the opening band, too, and this was before they got exposure.

HERE’S WHERE IT GOT UGLY: During Liars’ performance, Simmins was floating around the crowd in a vain attempt to make his presence known. At one point, he stood at the back of the venue on the floor at the Metro. I, drunk (it was my 21st birthday for Chrissakes), approached him from the side and extended my hand, nothing more or less. He shook it, although he did not turn to me, nor did he even look at me. As he half-heartedly shook my hand, he kept right on looking at the stage. What a motherfucking dick. So, what’s he doing for money these days?

3) Brian Posehn

Credentials: Mr. Show, The Sarah Silverman Program, The Devil’s Rejects, anything comedy/metal related.

WHAT HAPPENED: Back in October 2011, I got asked to be a part of an ongoing monthly show at the Improv Lab. I was beyond excited. The Improv Lab, as you all know, is in conjunction with the Improv itself, and pretty much the bar. The bar at the Improv is where you’ll eventually bump into a famous person involved in comedy. The very first time I ever went to the Improv bar, I got to meet Nick Swardson, who was actually pretty cool. But on this October night, Brian Posehn was at the bar…

HERE’S WHERE IT GOT UGLY: Posehn was chatting it up with Nick Thune (whom I also met before this, and he’s also a nice guy) and I approached Posehn and extended my hand. Nothing. Posehn just kept talking to Thune. I then put my hand on his left shoulder in order to REALLY get his attention. Again, nothing. I had my fucking hand on his shoulder and he did not once turn to me or even acknowledge me. I ended up walking away, loudly muttering “asshole” as I kept right on walking.

2) Harold Ramis

Credentials: SCTV, co-wrote Animal House, directed Caddyshack and Groundhog Day, is Egon Spengler

WHAT HAPPENED: Back in October of 2003, I was struggling big time, working a shitty job as a back waiter at a private dining club in conjunction with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. One night, our manager told us that a “celebrity” was going to dine with us that night, and that he “loves to be acknowledged”. When asked of who this celebrity was, the manager replied, “Harold Ramis”. I shit you not, everyone there then looked around at each other and went, “Who?” I was the only person excited. I went, “Harold Ramis! He was Egon in Ghostbusters! He directed Groundhog Day! He co-wrote fucking Animal House!” I essentially was the only person there who even knew who Harold Ramis even was…

HERE’S WHERE IT GOT UGLY: As Ramis finished his dinner and his party (a party of 4) sat silently, waiting to finish up and leave, I approached him at his table. I simply stated, “Hi, Mr. Ramis. I’m a big admirer of what you’ve done, I just wanted you to know.” As I was pouring my heart out to him, he sat, with crossed arms, looking straight down at the table, never ever once looking at or even acknowledging me, going “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh…” as I kept talking him up. I then mentioned that “I’m getting to comedy writing” to which he quickly replied “Good luck” in a flat, defeating, remorseless manner. Wow. I then extended my hand out to shake his. He did in fact shake my hand, although he kept right on staring down. It was the worst celebrity encounter I’ve ever had, and because of Harold “Fatass” Ramis, I am actually now uber-cautious of meeting celebrities. Thanks, asshole!

1) Billy Bob Thornton

Credentials: Sling Blade, The Man Who Wasn’t There, Bad Santa, he used to fuck Angelina Jolie in her early 20s

WHAT HAPPENED: Billy Bob Thornton was in Chicago in the early summer of 2004, filming Ice Harvest with John Cusack (speaking of celebrity assholes, I hung out once with his High Fidelty stand-in, and he told me some pretty awful horror stories about John Cusack being a megalomaniacal dick) and, lo and behold, it was directed by Harold Ramis. It flopped, thank Christ.

HERE’S WHERE IT GOT UGLY: May 8, 2004. My 23rd birthday. I was barhopping all over Lakeview. I ended up at the old Bottom Lounge, back when it was a hole-in-the-wall venue off Belmont. I was doing my share of Jameson and Patron shots by the time I stumbled outside. The first person I bump into is Billy Bob Thornton. I say, “Hey, you’re Billy Bob Thornton!” He then curtly replied, “No I’m not. I’m his cousin.” I then looked at him bewildered. I extended my hand to shake his and he didn’t budge an inch. I was like, “You fucking asshole”. I then said, “Tell Billy Bob I said Hi. I know he’s town filming Ice Harvest.” Thornton then gives me the ultimate fuck you stare and replies, “Who the fuck are you?” I then reply, “Come on, man, don’t be a dick, it’s my birthday tonight.” He continued to stare at me as if I was the biggest piece of dogshit in the galaxy. I stumbled away, and Thornton and I went our separate ways.

Yep. Celebrities are dicks!

2012
01.07

2012
01.05

This is Amazing

2012
01.05

I can't wait to stick you in the butt with my pitchfork!

Wow, you must’ve done something real terrible to end up here! Like kidnapping an endangered animal for ransom, or ejaculating in your workplaces’s coffee pot. Well, guess what?  You didn’t get away with it, fucker!

I’m Lou! I’m one of the many currently-employed “torturists” right here in the the underworld.  Don’t let my Broadway smile and my Vaudeville bravado fool you; beneath this veneer lies a remorseless, calculated villain, kind of like a one-man version of those teenagers who listened to Metallica and murdered that child in the woods.

I can’t wait to dress you up as Kim Basinger from 9 1/2 Weeks and pistol-whip you in the face.  Hook a jet engine up to a merry-go-round and have you drink boiling hot Mickey’s malt liquor and put you on it and see you long until you throw up, and then I’ll take that puke of yours and toss it in your eyes! Can you feel the burn?

Or maybe force you to have sex with a dead reptile and put it on a monthly-pay porn site.  Or make you watch a 24-hour marathon of student films.  Or have Pavorotti take a dump in your mouth! The possibilities are limitless!

You are probably asking right now, “Lou, you started out a lowly microscopic entity as myself, yet how do you get to be in such a grand position of torturer?”  Well, asshole, first off, you’re going to have to accept not being such a pussy-ass and endure the pain!  I was just like you, screaming for mercy as a gang of deadly scorpions had nonstep sex with my face; but, like most of you in the overworld, I realized it takes hard work and dedication, and a will to never quit, and having those will take you far.  Even in Hell.

But first, I’m going to carve a transcript of the Diane Keaton-Queen Latifah comedy Mad Money into your back as you swallow a piranha and it gobbles you up from the inside! Kind of like a Nine Inch Nails video, don’t ya think?

See you bozos in Hell!

– Lou

 

 

2012
01.03

Wow. Not since July have I posted? Bad me.

I’m back and I’m gonna post more on here. Use this platform to kick some monkey ass. Stay tuned for new comedy videos and more episodes of my podcast, Hyperchuckle FM (hyperchucklefm.podbean.com … or subscribe to it on iTunes)

PS I luv Sinbad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21EG5Y3q8Nw

2011
07.25

New News

Hi again all three of my readers!

I haven’t been doing much lately.  Trying to finish a screenplay I’ve been working on for months, then I’m working on, like, THREE more scripts.  My Macbook crashed and I lost all the important files that help make up an episode of Hyperchuckle FM (mostly the music cutaways, I still really like the theme song I’ve made up for it, organ and all).

 

Well…

 

Hyperchuckle FM Episode 3: Tomes and Talismans will start recording soon!  This time with profanity!  I have to write the fucker, but I promise Episode 3 will out soon enough.

Not doing anything Wednesday?  Come to Vlad the Retailer in West Hollywood!  I’m doing comedy!  I’m going to unveil my new, strong bit: Summer Jams!  Also, bear witness to my wacky conspiracy theory that Gremlins was a racist movie!  I’m also going to make jokes about Gil-Scott Heron and Chuck Berry and Willow Smith!  It’s like Shark Week but in a fifteen minute span!  Plus, there’s gonna be a lot of “hip” dirt kids there!  Wanna getcher pole smoked?

 

Also be on the lookout for L.A.’s Got Talent! Comedy Night!  I’m performing with a bunch of funny fucking folks (and I know they’re funny because I’ve seen their material and let’s just say it’s like watching Tim Allen minus the shittiness!)  It’s on August 11th at the Sancho Gallery on Melrose!  Heeeeeeyyyyy

 

Other than that I NEED FINAL CUT PRO.  It is killing me inside, goddammit.  I NEED FINAL CUT PRO.

 

That is all.

2011
06.02

2011
05.11